Relationship. Between a man and a woman. Love that bind 2 people’s heart.
I think, there is no legal age to start falling in love. Some, may fall in love as soon as during their childhood. Some may find love when they near to end. No specific age or age limit.
My first love was when I was I’m in my second year in high school. I like the guy because the way he smiled which I dislike. Though it should work out but it did not and for 2 years until I was in my fourth year, I still like him. He’s the only guy that I ever confessed to. After SPM, I worked while waiting the result and I met a guy, P. He made me rethink to fall in love with a man or boy(?).
He said,
“Both man and woman always want (hope) to get their hand on (a pretty and nice-figured woman) and (handsome and wealthy man)”.
And he add,
“Those without these criteria should hide in their own grave.”
Now, I never met him again and I heard that he moved to Negeri Sembilan. But, what he said really leaved a deep impression in me.
When P said that, I thought myself as the ‘those-without-these-criteria’ and yeah, I kept myself in my own world, not grave. Heart closed and become cold-hearted, maybe. I never be those who always get the boy’s attention and I never seek it.
During my university’s years, especially during study weeks, I really hoped that I have a boyfriend to accompany me study at the library but I did not get one. Then, I met a male friend, S that actually a friend of my friend while studying in the library and I got myself a study-partner which is more efficient than a boyfriend. S got a little complicated love story and I learned a lot from him.
I thought,
“Relationship and love are NO-NO things for me”.
But the ocean is not always calm. (ignore the comparison)
Fall in love again through the Internet, this time. We met during Raya. I don’t really know why we break up but I think it’s because of me. Then, I started to observe my friend’s relationship to get a clue about relationship and love.
I learned about love from my observation of my friend’s relationship and it leaved bad impressions though their relationships went well. Then, I did my own self-research. I get to know few men and start to know them. I come up with new perception, an upgrade of P’s perception.
“Both man and woman always want (hope) to get their hand on (a pretty and nice-figured woman) and (handsome and wealthy man)”.
And,
“While to get one, they get themselves a partner, s SO-SO type for companion and fun etc. and ready to dump them when they get their dream-partner”.
-p.s- apply for both man and woman. Not biased.
I rather have a best friend (male) than a boyfriend. When I start to fall in love, I’ll do something to make that guy hate me like I told him that I have a boyfriend or something like I'm a bi. Haha it works like magic!
I’m not the kind that openly says,
“I love you”
“I miss you”
“Do you love me more than yesterday?”
Any kind of lovey-dovey sentences. I tend to avoid the conversation when it comes to that part.
I dislike messages like,
“Good night and sweet dream. kiss kiss love you...love me always
The ‘good-night-sweet-dream’ part is okay but the ‘kiss’ part is kinda make me sick.
-p.s- only apply to me.
Years passed by and I thought,
“Maybe IF I become the ‘woman-that-want-a-handsome-and-wealthy-man’ type, I’ll get myself a man”.
To be that type, I need to know how to flirt with man which I get F since high school. MAYBE this way, I can love someone or rather, care for him since he got the ‘those-criteria’ and I love ‘those-criteria’. So, I’ll live happily ever after.
Yeah. I got one.
I tried to love him but it only work for the first 2 months. I even said the ‘lovey-dovey-cheesy’ words. Add ‘super’ to that. He said and asked me,
“Sayang I pada you tak pernah berkurang. Macam mana dengan sayang you pada I?”
-p.s- a ‘super-lovey-dovey-cheesy’ sentence. I need a bucket to puke.
And I answered him,
“Yep, tak pernah kurang”.
What a liar, I am. I thought that I have to play along to keep this relationship!
But, I realized something. Even he got ‘those-criteria’ but it's not ‘my-criteria’ so it's worthless. I cannot love him only for ‘those-criteria’. I want to love him for ‘my-criteria’. So, another failure.
I started from zero again. This time, the target is not love but friendship! I got wonderful friendship from them but I guessed, friendship between a man and woman is hard to maintain. There always a possibility for the friendship to develop to love. And when that happened, I’ll lose a friend and get a boyfriend.
A happy ending?
NO because I don’t know how to treat a boyfriend and he’ll think that I neglected him. Then, it will go down. So much for a relationship for me this far.
I’m selfish, YES. I am afraid of losing my friends but I never hold on them when they want to go because I think,
“Since they already DECIDED to leave, why should I hold on them?”
Plus, how can a man like a girl like me? I am brute, not-feminine, kasar, speak like a man, an otaku, no interest in fashion or makeup. I don’t have the face and body to pull it off. Prefer to watch movie or anime in my room than outing. I’m conservative and old-fashion.
I rather have a friend than a boyfriend.
I hope someone will understand why did I dodged his one question. It's because I'll appreciate you more as a friend than as a boyfriend. And I don't think I can love a person OR man.